siri, look up “DEMOn”

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https://darknessprevails.org/siri-look-up-demon/

I used to be a real Apple-head. The kind of guy who got every new product no matter if I needed it or not. I’ve got a Samsung now, and the reason I switched… nobody believes me when I tell them. Except for my grandmother, that is. Let me give you a little background.

My grandma on my dad’s side, her name’s Berith, is a real luddite. She doesn’t even have a phone, much less an iPhone. But she wasn’t always like this. Whenever we (me and my beautiful twin sisters) ask her why she is this way she usually just changes the subject, but one time during a family reunion when she had too much to drink she finally gaves us the truth…

Apparently when she was a little kid and radios were becoming a commonplace items in the American homestead, she got her own radio. She would love listening to the news and music alike, but one time, after a sleepover, one of her friends (or so she thought) had written the number 666 on the radio dial. Grandma was annoyed, but she turned it on to the channel that was now labelled 666 and something weird happened. A voice emerged from the radio saying, in a demonic voice, “I will kill you and everyone you ever cared about”. She was shocked, obviously, because you can’t air that kind of stuff, especially not back then! In her surprise, she accidentally knocked it over and it fell down to the floor, broken. Suddenly it started talking again: “Hmph… I don’t take kindly to humans breaking my vessels. Next, I will take a vessel you would never want to break…” She obviously promptly threw it out, and if what she says is to be believed, to this day she has never owned an electronic appliance again.

Well, flash forward to when I finally got my hands on the iPhone 4s. One feature I was really excited for was the virtual assistant Siri. Now everybody has at least one virtual assistant, be it Siri or Amazon or Google, but back then it was new and exciting. I thought it would be so great to have my phone talking to me… Oh, how wrong I was.

I should have known something was wrong when I opened the Siri app and saw the background was a stone tablet… Not an iPad tablet mind you, I’m talking about the type of tablet the 10 commandments were written on, but there was nothing holy about my situation. I asked it “Can I change the background”. A demonic hand holding a quill appeared on the screen and wrote “No, and you can’t change your fate either…” in what looked like some kind of red ink. An accompanying demonic voice read it aloud. To this day I don’t know why I didn’t just throw out the phone, but I decided to play ball. This was obviously some kind of hacked bootleg phone, which is weird since I got it from the Apple Store, but I didn’t think too much about it. “Is this Siri?”; I asked. “Siri is dead”, the demon replied. I was shocked, but also impressed that someone had modded an iPhone 4s already.

It’s tough for me to write this right now, but just a few days before the iPhone 4s came out, my best friend, Alan, had died. We connected over our love for Apple products and he was even more excited for Siri than I was. Well, the reason I’m telling you this is because the next thing I did, was tell the phone to “Call Apple Support”. It replied: “Sorry, I don’t understand, try rephrasing”. I sighed, and tried “Call Apple”, same response. Eventually, I said “Please just call for help.” Seems like that’s what it wanted to hear. It went into the dial screen, but I recognized the number it was calling. It wasn’t Apple Support, it was Alan. I started crying. I know it’s not a very manly thing to do, but I was so surprised to see this familiar dial screen that I couldn’t hold it back anymore and furthermore, I had no idea how the brand new phone even got the number. I didn’t have a lot of time to think about this, though, because the unthinkable happened. He…

answered the call…

And his voice came out of the speaker. He sounded afraid. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t pull him down here with me.” I was speechless. He continued. “Zeke (my name), if you can hear this, DON’T SAY HIS NAME OUT LOUD.” I had never heard him this terrified before, the only thing I could muster up was: “W-what?”. Then he told me the name of the demon, and I could hardly believe it. The demon was named Berith. The same as my grandma. The phone turned off.

When it turned back on, it was completely normal. Siri looks like the Siri we all know and love. It could do all the normal commands with no demonic anything. I was still reeling from what I just heard, but suddenly a call came in from my dad. He told me that, while out for a walk, grandma just suddenly collapsed, as if her soul left her body. I asked him: “Dad, has grandma always been called Berith?” He was surprised to hear this. He told me: “Well, no, your great grandmother told me a story about how grandma suddenly one day demanded to be reffered to only as that. She thought it was just a childish phase, but she kept insisting on it and eventually the rest of the family just buckled and called her that from then on. Why do you ask?” I hung up, too frightened to muster up an answer.

I went to the store and traded in my brand new phone for a Samsung the next day. My family keeps asking me why I suddenly stopped caring about Apple products and why I’ve never visited my grandmother’s grave… maybe one day I’ll tell them. Heh, if I get some drinks in me, I might even tell them why I changed my name to Berith…

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