Trees, we all know them. We all dislike yet silently respect their hard barks and stoic branches. But I encountered a tree I can neither respect nor love.
It was around 3am in the evening. I was driving my fiat car down a wooded street, I technically wasn’t allowed to drive my car as my drivers license wasn’t valid anymore. But hey, a man’s gotta drive am I right. Some solicitors had called me up to inform me of a seminar which would be highly beneficial for me to attend. Now normally I would have been pissed off to be called at such a late hour at the night, but luckily I was awake. I had spotted several suspicious looking humanoids, suspected goblins,on my porch that afternoon and wasn’t able to catch sleep. Anyway the people on the phone told me to go to Gaithersburg Maryland, since that was where the great business opportunity awaited me. I was so excited that I slammed my phone down without getting an exact address. I ran to my car figuring I would be able to divine where the seminar was from context clues.
So there I was driving, surrounded on all sides by trees (except for my front and back which were surrounded by road). I turned on my headlights to illuminate the road which I had forgotten to do up to this point. I kept driving for a very long time only stopping at random increments to close the passenger side door which had been damaged in a previous late night drive. I was making good time before I had to stop because a large tree had fallen and was blocking the road. Shockingly, this would only be the second worst tree I would encounter that day. Normally I would have just driven through any obstacle but the tree was big enough to make me reconsider. Being very annoyed at the fact I couldn’t continue, and perhaps being too bullheaded to go back home. I made a decision i would regret deeply to this day. I turned the steering column of the wheel and pointed the tip of my car straight into the dark oblivion of the forest and started driving.
Sadly I had made a vast error in my otherwise very sound judgement and immediately realized I was now driving on a sloped surface. Thanks to the vast shock I forgot to engage the hand brake and started wildly pulling at the steering wheel. I tumbled for several minutes until my car came to a stop when my car slammed into a boulder. I stepped out to see where I was and realized I recognized none of my surroundings. I was lost in the woods. I tried to start my car to drive out of there but the damage proved to be too substantial and it wouldn’t move. Normally the total destruction of my beloved fiat would have brought me to tears, but I was in survival mode and could take some solace in the fact that at least she had died in the line of duty. I started walking through the dense growth of the forest only using a sonic the hedgehog keychain flashlight for light. The flashlight produced a beam of light in the shape of sonic the hedgehog’s head, and while this did make navigating the woods more difficult it was better than nothing. I decided that I needed to head north as I recalled that my house was located on north point street. I used the old moss rock trick and set off for the north. At this point I had given up on the seminar which was a shame as the vast wealth it promised would have allowed me to quit my job at the grocery store. I highly dislike my job and as an act of protest will act very passive aggressively to my manager,Ricardo, when asked to do a task.
I walked for a mighty long while determined to reach civilisation. However my flashlight went out and I got stuck in a clearing of the forest with only the light of the moon to guide me. I sat down on a tree stump and considered my options. It was then that I heard it, a faint rustling sound, like leaves being blown in the wind. My eyes darted around looking at any signs of life. Then a piercing thwacking sound rang from the forest canopy. I jumped upright and started slamming the flashlight in a desperate attempt to get it to shine again. The sounds got closer and I hit the flashlight harder. I was overflowing with joy to see the inverse silhouette of sonic’s head on the grass. The flashlight works! I pointed it onto the thick wall of trees and what I saw shocked me.
There stood a man, with thick bark-like skin. His face appeared as a grotesque parody of the beautiful human face as god made it. He had thick arms, three times as thick as those of even the most toned body builder. I was unable to determine of this was one if the fabled ents like those from lord of the rings. I know the lord of the rings is a fictional story but JR Tolkien is famed for using real life lore and folklore as inspiration. Goblins for example are based on real goblin tales from Europe. So it wasn’t unreasonable to assume it was this creature that the lord of the rings based its ents on. On the other hand it could have been a tree shaped man. Perhaps a bush witch or a dark forest hermit had cursed an unfortunate soul to become a tree. Whoever did this to him might still be around and ready to do the same to me.
I started running like my life depended on it because in a sense it did. I ran and ran and ran only sometimes shining the flashlight behind me to see if the creature was chasing me. To my horror it was, every shine revealed it to me again and again. I was running so fast and with such vigour that I almost felt like a powerful fiat car myself. I simply kept running until my feet felt like they had been whittled down to stubs. I only stopped my blind stampede when I felt the soft embrace of tarmac on my soles. And more so I saw approaching headlights. I waved them down and, boy, was I glad with what greeted me. This was not an ordinary car. No, this was a fiat punto evo, number 8 on my favourite cars list. I waved the man down and asked him for a lift home after he had lowered his window. Being as nice as you would expect from a fiat driver he agreed.
To this day I still think what would have happened if I had allowed the tree creature to catch up with me. Perhaps I would have joined him, rooted there in that clearing. Or perhaps a worse fate…