There’s nothing I enjoy as much in life as travelling. I’ll go anywhere from exotic Utah to deepest darkest Africa. I love absorbing the foreign customs and interacting with people whose cultures are so simple yet beautiful. I’m not just into visiting the big cities, Venice, Kyoto, Nuremberg, Salt Lake City. No, I avoid these tourist traps in favour of connecting with the common folk that live in the crevices of the earth. I also liked traveling because it allowed me a breath of relief from the nagging of my wife. I love my wife a lot but she’s a bit much at times. They tell you a woman’s period lasts a week but with her it seems to have lasted a lifetime.
Having spent the previous year tracking around the vast sandy deserts of Africa I decided to visit a place with a bit more culture and a lot less sand this year. I pulled up my ol’ trusty globe and spun it around. I dropped my fingers onto the curved surface of the globe. I know this technique is very cliche but I love doing it in front of my wife as it really ticks her off. It might seem a bit mean-spirited but I consider it revenge for all the times she ticks me off. Anyway I had to repeat this step multiple times as I kept hitting the ocean. After about two-dozen tries I finally landed on the giant green landmass known to us Americans as China. I almost immediately started packing my large travel bags and convincing the other bag(wife) to let me go. After 3 months I was ready to start my Asian adventure in China.
Now I’m not a China expert or anything so I didn’t really know what to expect. I read a few wikipedia articles and I fell in love. The landscapes (beautiful), the people (elegant and very attractive), and most importantly the government. My god the government. Like a well-oiled machine. How they deal with business and integration is a thing of beauty. Their construction projects were like works of God. And they way they deal with troublemakers is awesome and jaw dropping. If only we had voted for Hillary we could have had this in America.
When the faithful day arrived I boarded the plane and set off. I was very happy as I was moved to first class because an elderly man had died on the flight. It’s a bit morbid I know but you have to take the highs with the lows and it’s not like I knew the guy. He was also very old. I landed in Nanjing airport, China, grabbed my bags from the little bag belt. I stormed of and tried to hail a cab but to no avail. I hailed and hailed but no Chinese cab car showed up. I had neglected to book any hotel beforehand as this is too corporate for my urban explorer tastes. It’s an open secret that hotels are a big scam by the furniture industry to sell beds and stuff anyway. As I didn’t want to wait around I set out on foot in the direction of the setting sun ready for wherever this well maintained Chinese road took me.
I traveled for many days and nights sleeping in my tent which I had with me and eating what the land provided which was plenty. China’s rice paddies and bamboo fields were very beautiful and I loved it. It was on the 4th day of the journey that I walked into a picturesque town but something seemed off. There were no people, a figurative (for now) ghost town. I looked around but there wasn’t a soul except for a lone chicken. I loitered for a small bit until I saw a small shadow down an alleyway. I was hesitant to chase it but did so anyway. I ran after it in the hopes to catch it. The alley was very long for an alley and I ran for a decent amount which exhausted me. After a long run I finally saw it, a wizened old chinese man in a traditional garb. He had a long moustache, wore a traditional chinese hat, stretch pants, a tracksuit and to top it all off a tie. The whole ensemble gave him a sort of smart casual in an oriental kind of way kind of look. I have often tried to emulate this look back in America but I couldn’t pull it off in the way he did, very impressive. He looked very approachable so I spoke to him and he replied in the Queen’s English which I thought odd. He told how his village used to be a place of peace and joyful laughter. That was until the village harlot took one of her suitors to the old graveyard. Their passionate lovemaking was so intense that it rowsed, and more importantly pissed off, the dead. The ghost, named the Fong Shook ghost, came down upon the townspeople like my wife comes down on me when she’s on her woman’s period. At this point I interrupted the man as he was basically telling this whole story unprompted and I asked him for a place to sit and a drink. The man was nice enough to guide me into the disgusting hovel he called home. He offered me a stool and poured some sort of liquid into a metal cup. I picked it up and drank it down with mighty speed. I demanded the man poured more, he did so. I kept drinking and drinking and was getting absolutely hammered. Eventually the man shoved me out of the house because I had dropped down my pants and underwear by accident. I stumbled throughout the town and then I saw it.
An apparition in the mist, a man in a million velvet bandages floating on air. A ghost in short, an asian ghost. I saw it with my eyes and heard it with my ears. It made a faint whining noise like a crt monitor. It floated between the houses in an act of spectral jaywalking. It seemed to take no interest in me and was more focused on terrorizing the local chinese people. While I was scared I was also disappointed that he was basically ignoring me so I flicked pebbles I found on the ground at it to provoke a reaction. The rocks phased through him so I kept throwing larger and larger rocks at him. I kept doing this until I had to uproot pavement stones and throw those. None of these worked so I said a few choice words at him. This seemed to catch his attention as his two snake like eyes finally met mine. It pointed its boney finger at me and spoke something in Cantonese which I didn’t understand. I chucked one more pebble for good measure. This really pissed him off and the real terror finally hit me. I don’t know why I threw those stones, I must have been too tired or too drunk to think straight. I started to run. The ghost was chasing me which I thought was bit of an over reaction as it’s like any of the rocks actually hit him or anything. To make a fast escape I pulled one of the locals out of a tuk tuk that was driving along and commandeered it. I looked behind me and saw that I was making good distance with the ghost. While the ghost was very scary I did enjoy driving the tuk tuk. I drove back to the airport and flew home. For the first time in my life I was glad to be back in America with my wife.
To this day I have not returned to china as I am too scared of the ghosts. I know now China has ghosts in it so I’m avoiding it from this point on.