Don’t Tell Anyone

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Now, the story I’m about to tell is in no way, shape, or form for attention. In fact, I want to raise awareness about this kind of thing. This happens and you’d be surprised how these situations are often avoided and never discussed in homes. Again, if you feel discomfort with the topic of pedophilia don’t read on.

I was very reluctant to share my story. Then I thought that this could be a very therapeutic thing for me to talk about. Currently, I’m enter my young adulthood and till this day I’m scarred from my childhood.

First off, I’m a short petite female I was six-eight at the time this story took place. As you can imagine I was a small child. Now that you got that let me begin.

It feels like it was only yesterday when everything happened. I literally can remember as clear as day. My family was “close” as you can say. My grandma had this motto that family ALWAYS stuck together even when we didn’t like each other so much. I was young so I couldn’t agree with her more. We used to have family gatherings like twice a month and everyone would show up, I mean EVERYONE. As you may imagine it was always a fun time for me. I got to meet different cousins around my age and older ones. At the time we lived in Topeka, Kansas. I know where you hear Kansas you think about country and all. But, it was far from that. In fact, the area we lived in was full of poverty and weirdly my family condoned a lot of gang activity. There have been many murder cases down here that haven’t even been solved. Most of the people I know down there have a few screws loose.

My cousin- Let’s just call him D, was at the time 15 and his brother and sister weren’t that far behind. I actually enjoyed hanging with the “big kids”. I was 6 so me having friends older than me gave me a feeling that I was “cool”. I remember back then trying to dance like them and constantly teasing my D’s sister about her big boobs and calling them big and poking them then running. Everyone would just laugh. These details will be important later.

My dad was never a nice man. He was physically and verbally abusive to my mom. (That’s a whole other story) My mom one day planned our escape. We were going to move with my grandma to another city. Of course, it was a process so my mom decided to stay with my auntie for a few days while she worked and waited for her check to go. This is when shit got weird. I remember being excited at first. My auntie’s home was where most of the family parties took place. They had everything. They had the basement. The basement was kind of like a mini apartment. They had games and bedrooms (a fast computer!) so I was more than willing to stay.

I remember my little sister was asleep and I was on the couch watching Kim possible and I turned to see my older cousin D on the computer. I skipped over to him to see what he was doing. (The only time I got on the computer was to play kid games) As I got closer to the back room I finally hear faint moaning coming from the speaker. I immediately get a bad feeling and I pause. He turns to me and waves for me to come over. Now, any time sex even came on a movie or anything my mom would say close your eyes and close your eyes. That was enough for me to know that I wasn’t suppose to see the shit. It was for grown ups only. So, this was weird. But, I was curious (I was six!) and I wanted to know what was going on so I walked up. He was on a website playing some sexual game where you had to quietly violate a sleeping female. I felt really uncomfortable and guilty. I just knew I was going to be in so much trouble.

“Want to play?” he says with a grin.

Is it okay if I play? Well… D said I could play so it should be fine.

“Okay…” I say quietly. He puts me on his lap and we start playing. Everyone else was asleep at this time so he kept telling me to not be loud. I played the game not thinking much to be honest. I finally got bored and got up to go to sleep with my sister. He then stops me.

“Come here, booboo.” I absolutely hate that nickname today. I just walked over and all of a sudden he pushes me to the couch and I sit. I felt like I was going to throw up and was really tall and towering over me. “If you tell anyone. I’ll tell you played that game. And you’ll be in big trouble.”

I couldn’t even speak my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. He had this look on his face that made me petrified and I couldn’t help but look away and nod. All I was thinking was how much trouble I was going to be in if he actually told my mom that I played a nasty game after she told me not to look at that kind of stuff. It dawned on me that I was going to get a spanking.

I won’t go into details but all I know is I didn’t scream and I didn’t run. I just sat there and sobbed while everything happened. I couldn’t do anything! Out of fear of me getting hurt or me getting in trouble period. I felt so bad. I was so outgoing then all of a sudden I was scared of everything. This happened for a whole 3 years and it happened with his sick sister once too. And because I was a coward… it happened to my sister too. At some point I refused for me or my sister to go over there and when I seen them at family functions I’d just pretend everything was okay.

Then some crazy stuff happened and D killed his older brother by accident. Everything changed my auntie went into depression and we never had any family functions. D was in and out of prison for different murders. When he first got out he even asked my mom if he could stay with us. My mom agreed because he was like a little brother to her. She was oblivious to everything. He ended up not coming and committing another crime and going back to prison. Eventually, I told my mom and she’s livid and I honestly don’t want her to cross paths with them. I don’t even want to talk about what she’d do.

We cut all of our family off. They don’t like us and vice versa. They even said we were lying and said if that happened why are we just now saying anything. Everyone wants me to shut up and pretend like everything is fine. It’s not fine! I can’t go to the police because it happened so long ago. And even if I did I don’t want anyone to tell me, the victim, that I’m a liar. Please, parents be mindful about the people around your kids. And if something similar has happened to anyone you can get through this. It DOES get better. Any parent out there going through this it isn’t your fault. You didn’t fail as a parent. I don’t blame my mother at all. She feels some guilt but she’s not the sick person who did anything to me.

He gets out 2018 and I pray he doesn’t come looking for me.

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