The Party Pooper

This happened to me and a group of friends back in the summer of 2015. I have changed the names just in case any of them hear this recollection of a truly traumatic event.

My best friend Shaun, his twin sister Cassidy and I were celebrating our recent graduation with a large backyard barbecue. The majority of the graduating class shows up and all was going swimmingly. The party was completely cool with my parents under two conditions: no alcohol and an adult had to be on hand by the door to make sure nothing was snuck in.

I ran this past my friends and we all agreed the terms were cool with us. So back to the party. We ended up having it on the fourth of July. Just good friends, good times, and a nice fireworks display from the park down the block at the end of the night. 60+ people were in the large field on the back of my property, enjoying cheap pop and hot dogs or playing flag football. The ones hanging around in the yard or the house were treated to a random Youtube playlist being blared through my speakers. Rock and Hip-Hop with a few cringeworthy selections thrown in for laughs made for a great time. So when “The Ding Dong Song” by Gunter came through the speakers nobody was phased. The next thing I knew Shaun came outside and got me with a grin on his face. “Dude you’ve gotta see this.” He said as he pulled me into my living room.

I get in there to find a man in roughly his early 40’s dancing to the music on the coffee table. He was thrusting his hips and doing the worst Magic Mike impersonation I’ve ever seen.  I laughed a little at first: but something about this man made me- well – uneasy.

I couldn’t help but wonder who’s parent this was. My dad was hauling freight somewhere in Utah while my mom covered a shift at the local E.R. I texted her and asked her to call me when she had a free moment. Armed with the knowledge that today was full of the bad combination of beer and fireworks, I knew it could be a while until she called. I decided to act on my instinct and follow the guy around.

Within minutes of my “recon work” I saw something that sent up a few red flags. I have an above ground pool in my yard as well as two bathrooms in my house. One of these bathrooms was being used as a girls changing room. My mom’s master bathroom. It had a large dresser with an even larger mirror facing the bathroom door. He appeared to be fondling himself while looking at the mirror.

“Hey buddy, what the HELL are you doing?” I asked. He stumbled over his words like a kid being caught peeking at his birthday presents before answering “I thought I saw one of the girls walk in there with a bottle of Jose’ Cuervo.” I took a breath before answering back to him. “You are supposed to be checking people at the door. I’ll send someone in to check, but you need to stop dancing around to the playlist and looking like a peeping Tom. Go back to the door.”

I went outside and found my friend Tracy sitting in a lawn chair on the pool deck. Asking her to go inside and check on the girls, I informed her of our chaperone’s actions. She got red in the face and said she’d stand guard until the master bathroom was empty. About a half an hour went by and Tracy found me. “There’s no liquor anywhere near those girls and they’re a sober a sober can be.” I got mad as hell and I went to go find this guy when I hear my mom’s ringtone. “Hey honey, what’s up?” She asked me with a tone to her voice that said she was having a long day. “Yeah mom, who did you get to chaperone our party? Who ever this is has been sending up some majorly pervvy red flags.” My mom paused for a second before responding. “Your uncle Terry should have been there hours ago! Who’s there?” I went on to explain what I’d caught the guy doing and my mom told me to get him out of the house. She was calling my uncle to find out what was going on with him.

I let her go and began my search for Pervis McPervert. A minute or so went by when I heard a familiar shriek come from our walk in kitchen pantry. It was Cassidy. The last time I heard her scream like that she’d been attacked by a neighbor’s dog. I knew it was bad. I ran to the kitchen as fast as I could and grabbed a big fucking cleaver from the knife drawer. I run over to the pantry door and try to open it. It’s jammed shut, like someone heavy is leaning against it. I can hear Cassidy crying and that dick’s voice telling her “I wanted seven minutes in heaven. I’m still gonna get it no matter what you say.”

I went ballistic and began chopping at the door with the cleaver. A few swings in and the door fell open. I could see Cassidy on the ground attempting to cover her exposed breasts through a freshly ripped Gorillaz t-shirt. The man I had been looking for was the one cornering her in the closet attempting to assault her.

He pushed past me and made a beeline for the front door. I gave chase and tackled him as he hit my driveway. I begin to rain down punches on him while screaming like a madman. It was like an out of body experience. I could see myself beating the holy hell out of this bastard, I could hear the things I said, I couldn’t stop myself.

Lucky for me, Shaun and a few others heard the commotion and pulled me off of him. Cassidy came to the door looking for me and her brother saw the running mascara and torn shirt. Soon the crowd was holding both of us back.

A mutual friend Donte’ walked over to the guy and literally sat on him while he called 911. I watched as this guy spit out a couple of teeth before accepting his fate. It didn’t take long for the police to show. My mom soon followed. She told me my uncle had pipe break in the basement and he’d been fixing it all morning long. He’d honestly forgotten about his duty at the party.

We later found out who the guy was. He was a sex offender who’d failed to register in our area. There was already a warrant out for his arrest. Until he decided to crash a party full of teens fresh out of high school and attempt rape,ultimately leading to a hospital stay fot him, he was evading the police rather well. A bus ticket was found among his personal effects. He’d confessed he was trying to “get some action” before skipping town.

Cassidy, Shaun, and myself are still the closest of friends. We look back on this less and less throughout the years. Cassidy saw what lengths I would go to in order to protect her and we ended up rooming together while we attend college. We’ve been dating for 6 months.

The creeper got 11 years in jail. For his sake, when he’s released, he’d better pray we never meet again.

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