My Recent Physical

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The back story goes pretty far back, but I’ll try to be quick. I’m a 17 year old female and because of my auditory processing issues, I’m not the best at writing, so keep that in mind if the syntax gets weird.

I moved to my current house when I was in 6th grade and I was homeschooled during the time. Because of the move, I had to get a new pediatrician, we’ll call her Dr. S for privacy reasons. I was a physically healthy kid so I didn’t always go to my yearly physicals because they were unnecessary. The only times I ever did was when I had to get my vaccinations. Dr. S was okay, I guess. Because she was a pediatrician, she was more used to working with much younger kids, so when she would ask me questions about my health, she would ask things like how my “poo-poos” were. Extremely childish, to my liking.

Overtime, I found her to be quite a “reactionary.”  In 8th grade, like a lot of teenage girls, I had very low blood pressure and was passing a lot. I had a check-up with Dr. S. When I told her about what was going on, she flipped out and said I must see a cardiologist and get my heart beats scanned. My mom knew it wasn’t heart problems because the week prior, we went to Italy and I climbed to the top of the Duomo in Florence and Tower in Pisa. If I had heart problems, I would not have been able to do something like that. I went to a cardiologist, and it turned out I had low levels of sodium.

Because I didn’t need any vaccinations for a few after that, I didn’t need to see Dr. S. During middle school, I dealt with sever anxiety, which lead to depression, which then lead to having suicidal thoughts. When freshman year rolled around, it got so bad, I thought that suicide was the only way to stop my anxiety. I was always terrified of my surroundings, and I would randomly wake up in the middle of the night and would be unable to fall back because the anxiety would rush through my veins. I was also really struggling with my social life, I was having trouble communicating with people. Because of this, my mom took me to a psychiatrist. I took a couple of different tests and I was diagnosed with anxiety and Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a minor form of autism. I was then put on Prozac, which shortly after, started giving me extreme headaches. I was then switched to another kind (I don’t remember what is was called) and it lead to an increased appetite, sleepiness, and eventually, suicidal thoughts.

Shortly being put on the second medication, I entered public high school as a sophomore. I was able to blend in pretty quickly with all kinds of amazing people I now call my friends. The homework load, would stress me out a lot, taking advanced classes and all. I must point out that all of life, I have never been good at handling stress, so this lead to a lot of anger and suicidal thoughts. The side effects of my meds were out of control, I gained 30 pounds and one day, I told one of my teachers that I was going to kill myself. I got sent home by my councilor that day. I went back to the psychiatrist, who then took me off of those meds, and I haven’t dealt with any anxiety since then, oddly enough.

My depression decreased significantly, too, and I would only have bursts of it during times of stress. Junior year began, and I went episode-free that whole first semester until December when finals were coming up. I decided to take pre-AP algebra II to get ready for college algebra and I really struggled in that class because it was very hands off, which I’ve never been good at learning on my own. With algebra being my first final, I had a terrible episode during another class. In there, my friend caught me writing a “suicide note” and he took me to talk with my councilor, where my parents had been called. My councilor was also well-aware that my episodes were caused by stress and she let me talk to my parents and when I calmed down, I went back to class.

Here’s where the story goes takes a turn for the worst. Winter break came and I had to get more vaccinations, so I got a physical arranged with Dr. S. When I was there, I was given this survey, where I had to answer questions about how I was doing mentally. I didn’t realize it was asking about my current state so I answered them based on past feelings. For example, where it asked if I’d ever attempted suicide, I answered “yes.” When Dr. S saw it, she flipped out and began asking my mom a shit load of questions. Parents are not allowed to see the survey or the child’s answers, so she wasn’t sure what I put on it. My mom told her about all the therapy we had done at home, at school, and with a therapist, but Dr. S wouldn’t listen. She was so caught up in her own ideas that my mom’s words that said otherwise were interfering with her own thoughts. Stupid, socially awkward me, didn’t even understand what was going on. That bitch just would not listen. When we were leaving the office, I asked my mom what all the questions were about, she explained to me that when something suspicious is found on the survey, the doctor, by law, has to report it. Guilt swept over me. I know I was telling the truth about how I felt in the past, but I didn’t know it was going to get my parents in trouble. I cried so hard, but my mom wasn’t even mad at me. All day, I was edge, thinking something bad going to happen.

A few days later, we were getting ready for Christmas, decorating cookies and listening to Christmas music. We were all happy, looking forward to it, when there was a knock on the door. My dad answered it, and he let the person it in. It was a lady who worked with CPS, who was called in on account for “medical neglect.” I fell to my knees in tears, but my parents were so calm. My parents and the lady calmed me down. She asked a lot of questions, and my parents answered truthfully, and they proved otherwise of what Dr. S claimed. Then each member of my family was interviewed. When it was my turn, she asked me about my mental health and answered how I currently felt. When she asked if I had any questions, I asked her if I was in trouble. She told me I wasn’t and the whole thing sounded like a miscommunication and her supervisor thought so, too. She left and nothing ever came of the situation again. My parents were upset about the situation, but not with me.

I know this isn’t really that scary, but it really fucked me up. My parents are really great people and have NEVER done anything to let me suffer. Every problem I’ve ever had, they’ve helped me through them all. My parents were not mad at me, they said I answered the survey truthfully, but I still can’t get over it because I feel like I’m the one to blame for the whole situation. Honestly, I feel a lot better about the whole thing, but I don’t think I’ll be celebrating Christmas this year, and I especially won’t be making any cookies. It’s been six months and my parents told me recently not to feel bad about it, because it wouldn’t have happened if Dr. S had just listened to us. Message to Dr. S, if my parents were neglecting my medical needs, I would not have been getting my vaccinations. I would say let’s not meet, but I have to go back to her office next week for my last vaccinations.

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