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By ullashy

I can remember something good, me and my two brothers with our children and our wives having a barbecue in my back garden and the sun was shining. Finally things were starting to become good for all of us and we all had good jobs and everything was fine. I remember seeing our children playing together and getting along, the smell of the barbecue was covering the air and life was good it was all good. I have a 16 year old daughter and my oldest brother has an 18 year old son and our younger brother has a 15 year old son, all of our wives were getting along and they were chatting away so happily.

I remember observing this and just thinking to myself how we all had made it to here and through all of the difficulties and pressure that we came through. I was so surprised that life was actually peaceful and calm; it was just yesterday we were constantly having one trouble after another and to overcome it is the best feeling in the world.

Everyone was enjoying the burgers and fries and there were cold drinks out and I and my two brothers were talking to each other and just generally having some man talk. We were all keeping an eye on our kids and I was happy to be among these people. I had a talk with two of my nephews and just catching up really, and my daughter got along with my brothers’ kids and they seemed to have a good bond. My wife was looking and smelling good and everyone was happy, this is how heaven is supposed to be, after a bit of a struggle. I got a ball out and we started to play around with it in my back garden and there were pictures being taken and it was one hell of a barbecue.

Not many people can pull off a good barbecue as you need to have the right vibe and atmosphere. The whole area could feel the good vibe and see how much we are enjoying ourselves and music could be heard playing in the background. Cars would go past and honk at us and some passers by were given some burgers and some of the neighbors joined in, this is what a community should be like. Instead of constantly working and trying to gain things over other things that you already have, sometimes it’s good to count your blessings and have a good barbecue with them. It is days like these when I think life isn’t so bad and that things are good on this planet and that humans are good.

I remember that day and how quickly it faded, but the thing with darkness, it is always looming over you to ruin whatever good luck you were having. My oldest brother phoned me in the middle of the night and he was crying and the news I heard was that his son had committed suicide, I was just taken aback and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I couldn’t understand why Ray, the only son of my older brother would take his life. My wife was shocked as well and at that moment our sunshine had gone and I felt it within that a storm was ahead of us. My older brother was devastated and I and our younger brother were supporting him the best we could, we all had one child and we didn’t want any more than one.

My oldest brother’s wife was having a hard time coping with the loss and the reality with dealing with it. The funeral had quite a few people turn up and it was actually amazing to see so many to remember Ray and his short life on this planet. Songs were played and pictures were put up to commemorate the life that Ray had lived; he was a sweet kid and someone who anyone could get along. I was remembering that barbecue we had and why it couldn’t have lasted forever and ever.

Now we are at a funeral and my nephew is being buried and his loved ones and friends around him to watch him be buried beneath the ground. I don’t think my older brother Steven and his wife wanted another child, it is just too painful for them to go forward with Ray gone and especially for his wife, she will need to get professional help, as she had developed depression.

My older brother Steven confided in me a couple of times and he started to cry himself and he didn’t know what to do at all with everything that has happened. Life seemed bleak and dark and pointless at the same time, the death of someone you love can really rip your life apart and destroy your beliefs. I tried my best to give him good advice, but in all honesty what advice could I have possibly given to someone who has lost their only child to suicide. I don’t even know the feeling or imagine how it feels to lose a child to suicide, but I looked at my daughter and that fear is definitely present in the back of my mind. We all fear the worst for our children and it’s only when you have children, that you start fearing things which you never feared before.

You see so many obstacles that were invisible to you before and now they are smiling at you. The funeral ended and we all went home and what a dark day that was; an extremely emotional day, my wife made something for me and my daughter and we talked about Ray. We were already missing him and even for me it felt weird to see him just gone and knowing we will never see him again was a weird idea to grasp.

That night though was to evolve into something else, it was in the middle of the night when I heard my daughter screaming and I rushed into her room to find her to be masturbating and at the same time she was crying. “What are you doing Molly?” I shouted at her and she screamed “Dad!” and I didn’t understand what she was doing and why she was masturbating and screaming at the same time. Her mother was shouting at her to stop, but our daughter was masturbating, and at the same time wanting to stop but she couldn’t. I held her down and restricted her arms so she couldn’t move them and she was crying heavily and it was the weirdest and unusual night I have ever had.

She seemed to have calmed down and me and my wife as we returned to our room, we had so many questions and we had come to the conclusion that maybe it was the stress from Ray’s suicide and the funeral, I mean she is a 16 year old girl and her hormones and other chemicals within her are acting upon her, right now at this age.

In the morning I and my wife had a talk with Molly about the night before and she was so confused herself. She was masturbating but she didn’t want to masturbate but she was masturbating. It was hard to understand her and she was trying to say to us made no sense. She then blamed it on stress, but I have never really heard of stress doing this on a young, growing girl, then again many women do turn towards sex when going through a stressful even. Even men do, but what Molly did that night was just not her, it was too forced and obviously extremely scary for me and my wife. We tried to make sure she was ok to go to school and Molly wanted to go to school and she felt much better and I drove her to school.

I remember coming back into the house and it was just me and my wife had gone out shopping for necessities for our home. Being alone, I had the chance to reflect you can say about everything and I called my older brother Steven and to check up on him and he was still obviously having a hard time dealing with the death of Ray. He obviously didn’t feel like speaking and I put down the phone and I walked into the garden and I remembered that barbecue and thinking that the barbecue was the last time we would ever have such a good barbecue. Silence really does make you think about how things change and how sudden things can be; it really does affect your reality.

I walked into my daughter’s room and just thinking about what Molly was doing or what was happening to her psychologically and emotionally. I decided to rest down on the sofa and I was nearly falling asleep until my mobile rang and it was one of the teachers. My daughter Molly had another episode of masturbating, but crying at the same time as she wanted it to stop; I drove back to the school as quickly as I could.

I found Molly in the girls changing room and she was obviously extremely disturbed and I was so scared for her. Her mother was coming down as well and the teachers told me she ran out of class and into the female changing rooms and she started to masturbate, but trying to stop at the same time and she started to cry and struggle to stop. A female teacher managed to hold her down like I did and she calmed and when her mother arrived who started to cry as she saw our daughter in great distress.

We were advised to seek mental and psychological help for our daughter as this behavior is not normal. We told the head teacher of the recent passing of Ray and the emotional distress our whole family is going through.

We listened to the advice we were given by the teachers and I searched out a therapist who deals with emotional pain and distress. Our daughter was definitely not going back to school after we had sorted her out first. She slept with her mother now and I slept on the sofa and I was just hoping we wouldn’t have another episode.

We took her to the therapist and the first day went well and the therapist told us that she was definitely under deep distress and it could be due to all of the events that had been going on in our family. It sounded like our daughter Molly was taking it just as hard, at the death of ray as his mother was. I tried phoning my older brother and he isn’t answering his phone, but my younger brother Larry could always get through to him and it was like I was being locked out for some reason.

Anyway, as the therapy with my daughter was going great, another episode came by when in front of the therapist Molly had started to masturbate while screaming “stop please just stop” and the therapist just completely unprepared for this. Now I and her mother are not allowed to be in the room when the therapist is talking with our daughter. I was at work when I got a phone call from my wife saying that Molly had the episode again and the therapist tried his best to calm her down and only when my wife came and held her down and separating her arms while my daughter Molly was sobbing hysterically, did she stop.

I rushed to the therapist building and Molly had calmed down by the time I had reached her, and she looked fine. She started to cry again when she saw and I hugged her telling her everything was going to be ok, the therapist looking confused, but at the same trying to puzzle together as to what he had seen in front of him.

I tried to phone my older brother Steven but he seemed to be ignoring me and Larry was also acting a little cold towards me and the both of them were acting very weird towards me. They were not supporting me as well with the problems my daughter was having but then again, I understand Steven is in a hard place but what about Larry.

The therapist wanted a word with me and my wife and he looked at us strangely and his words towards us and the way he was assaying it to us was not nice at all. Basically, it came down to the point where the therapist thought that me and my wife were doing something sexually to our daughter, we argued back in shock as to how in the world could the therapist think me and my wife were sexually abusing our daughter and she is simply reacting.

We left and I gave him a good earful and that we will never come back to him and if we were sexually abusing our daughter, then why would we bring her to a therapist? The therapist looked at me and my wife realizing maybe he had made a mistake and that he should stick with the therapy rather than psychology.

We took our daughter home and who has missed so much school and to be in a situation where nothing made sense and everything was just going bad to worse, I needed to some help myself and some support. Both of my brothers, though, were being extremely cold towards me and I don’t understand why they are acting the way they do. They were hard to contact and when I do finally reach them, they are difficult to talk to. I needed to see Steven and I needed to see how he was holding up with everything.

As I drove to his home and I could see the door was open and it was a sunny day anyway and it was hot, I tried shouting out for Steven but nobody could hear me. I went upstairs and still couldn’t find Steven and I went into his and his wife’s room and I found a book, a diary written by Ray, I opened a page and there was a title called ‘Molly’ and Steven called me and I quickly went downstairs back outside and put the book in my car.

Steven was shouting from the garden and couldn’t see me and I went back inside. Steven invited me in, and we drank a few cold ones and we were remembering Ray and I asked him why he and Larry were being distant towards me. He apologized and he claimed he didn’t know why Larry was acting the way he was. Steven’s wife was seeking professional help with her depression and the two of them didn’t really speak anymore.

Steven even told me that he isn’t surprised if they divorced soon and I told him not to speak like that, but since the suicide of Ray their relationship has soured beyond measure and nothing can really heal it. I told Steven about Molly and what she has been going through and the look on Stevens face; he was scared and even had the look of guilt.

I left Steven and hugged him and Ray’s diary was in my car unknowing to Steven and I was going to read it later and I then wanted to visit Larry. I knocked on Larry’s door and it took him quite some time to open the door for me. Larry seemed a little awkward to be in my presence and I hugged him and I hugged his son Daniel, who gave an awkward smile as well. At the time I couldn’t understand the awkwardness between all of us, I had some food at Larry’s house and I told Larry about Molly’s condition. He sympathized with me and it seemed like he had something to tell me, but it couldn’t come out. I didn’t want to make things even weirder, so I left. They seemed more at ease that I had left and I knew was something was wrong between all of us since the suicide of Ray and that diary of Ray’s was practically speaking to me to open it.

The saying some things are better left kept secret kept rushing through my mind, but I needed to make sense out of things that didn’t make sense at all. I remember when my family were all asleep and I was downstairs with Ray’s diary and I opened it and it had a lot of writing about Molly, about how beautiful she was.

As I kept on reading it was clear that Ray was extremely in love with my daughter even though they were cousins and the things he said about her, about how he wished to see her naked and the type of sexual things he wished he wanted to do with my daughter. It disgusted me and then I got a phone call from my older brother Steven and he seemed worried but staying calm.

He asked me if I took anything from his house and I denied it of course and he eventually put the phone down. As I read Ray’s diary it had more things about my daughter and how pretty she was and it was extremely sexual towards my daughter and I was angry; no father wants to read the type of things I have read about their daughter. Then it started saying things about David, Larry’s son and it said even he found my daughter beautiful, and how he wished along with Ray to have sex with my daughter and now I couldn’t believe what was before me.

Then my daughter started to scream again and her mother was next to her and I ran upstairs and my daughter from my point of view, looked like she was trying to masturbate but at the same time trying to stop. I got thinking, now that I knew more about Ray and his views on my daughter and how my daughter started acting strangely since he committed suicide. After my daughter had calmed down I carried on reading Ray’s diary and I had come to find out that ray committed suicide so that he could come back as a ghost to have sex with my daughter.

I dropped the book and I felt the coldness in the air and I could hear my wife slowly and softly calming my daughter and for her to sleep. I drove to Steven’s house and I had Ray’s diary and when Steven opened the door and he saw Ray’s diary in my hand, he looked at me obviously disappointed with himself. He called Larry over and the three of us talked about what the hell is going on.

Steven didn’t want me to get hurt and nor did Larry or their wives, but I was angry and I wanted to talk with David. We all drove down to Larry’s house and we all awoke David and I had a word with David while Larry and Steven were also present. David was trying to say sorry but out of anger I grabbed David and I was held back by my two brothers, I screamed “This isn’t fair!”

“My daughter Molly, it looks like she is raping herself” I say out loud

“There is no such thing as ghosts” Steven says to me

“Then how do you explain what’s happening to my daughter, when she is masturbating, it’s not her it’s your disgusting son” I said to Steven

Steven becomes tearful and his throat becomes croaky and he leaves the room and Larry looks at me disappointed in me and I look at David with anger and David looks scared and I leave the room. I drive home and everything is silent and my daughter Molly is sleeping, then I notice Ray’s diary and I was sure that I had given it back to Steven and now it is here in my home and it had new writing.

This time, it said that Ray had been talking with David to commit suicide like him and after reading this I quickly got into my car and trying to call Larry who wouldn’t pick up nor would his mother pick up the phone. As I entered Larry’s home, I found him and his wife shot dead and David with his father’s gun in his mouth and he shot himself.

I, along with Steven, made a funeral for Larry’s family and after that we separated and haven’t seen each other since. Now and then my daughter has her episodes but it has been decreasing. I am just remembering that barbeque and how everything was good and life was good, I am remembering being in that garden and how it was nothing but positivity and how things quickly change.

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